It's been months since I last had an entry here. After a number of failed attempts to complete a writing, I will try once more to release some trapped prisoners inside of my barred mind. If my drafts folder would be any indication, I have planned five launches which I eventually aborted. Or simply neglected. Or forgot about. Or avoided. And so they remained as titles, and vague pictures of catharsis that never were. I have dared to write about the new year (An Untitled Post) last January; about my first time in Boracay with my college friends ("The Bora Project") last March; about how I desired to have an entry ("Memory Full") last April; about how I terribly miss UP because I feel alone ("My Failing Solace") in April; and about my learning from the recent changes ("Temporary Home"). It's not that I haven't been writing for the past 7 months. I have actually. It's just that..whenever I start writing, somewhere along the foggy intersecting roads of the clauses, vocabularies and thoughts, I've usually found myself questioning where I am standing, why I am standing there, and where I desire to go. Uncertain and flummoxed, I just walk back. Or fly away, going back.
But about a week ago, words flowed out freely and smoothly from me as if my heart was a jar tilting itself to pour out the water that transforms into a sea of writings. I do not know if anybody will/can read this, but I remember clearly my right hand flying freely as it wrote some portions of my memory, as if it has a mind of its own. And that unencumbered feeling is something I would want to feel again.
June 12, 2013
Happy Independence day! Today is a national holiday as it marks the 115th year since the proclamation of the Philippines' independence from the Spanish colonizers. Ironically, this day also marks the 'last day' of my short-lived hiatus from the normal world - the 'as-it-should-be' reality. In other words, today is the official last day of my one month unadulterated freedom. I feel sad, but not totally sad. I feel excited, but not completely excited either. I feel happy, but I am not just happy. I am a mixture of emotions, but I am at peace, and I guess there's nothing else I would rather be.
The past months have been a whirlwind. Such a cliché, but I recognize its figurative honesty. There've been family earthquakes caused by the sudden eruption of dormant volcanoes. Though I'd like to believe there were no lava, or perhaps they formed on spots where there wouldn't be casualties. But I know for sure there are cracks deep down the mantle layer of our home, unseen on the surface. Would they heal? I'm absolutely certain they will. However, on the question of when - I'll let time be the narrator. Same goes with the question of when I'll come across an angel who would join me in my earth. We've parted ways early this year. On the same day I had one of the most unforgettable UP Fairs I've been to. Yes, with her. Similarly, I'll leave it to the hands of time to write down when I'll experience the same fun, freedom and friendship I have experienced in Boracay last March, when I'll find myself writing again for a Film Class - even just for a week, and when I'll cross paths with the people I met in the short time I was with Philips. I had my last day last May, and that actually signaled the start of the short but memorable one month of freedom I would eternally be grateful for.
Looking back, I feel so blessed because I know I've been granted a gift I've been wishing for for so long -- Time. To have time is to have air to breath: it keeps me alive, and it reminds me that I am alive. Having enough of it is healthy. Needless to say, the lack of it is fatal. I had time to think about myself, for myself, about nouns (people, animals, things, places and events), and for nouns. I had time to be.
I had time for my home. And I had time to go back to my other home - UP. One of the best things this short period of liberty gave me was the opportunity to go back to UP: to be physically there and be wrapped again in the solace that UP is (and will be) for me; to experience the simplicity and tranquility this home provides; most importantly, to make memories with it with the people I consider friends. Oftentimes, I have gone jogging with my best friend Tanjo (and sometimes with Paula, the new sales(wo)man) around the acad oval and talk about sales work and life in general, while UP quietly absorbs all our rants and apprehensions, and leaves afloat our hopes. One of the highlights would be our tambay time at the Vinzons kiosks, pre-jogging, where we eat pancit canton, and recall how we used to not afford some meal combos. Talk about changes.
Whenever I go back to UP, I always visit the place that served as my home for two years, when I was starting to explore the world of being an isko - Math Building. Partly because of that walk from AS-FC to CS to the teletubby land, which I have always enjoyed. It's like watching the trailers before the movie begins - you can't wait for the movie to play yet you still want to see more trailers. Until I arrive at MB. Usually, I would just pass by the newly-renovated CR (at least for me) near the entrance, and roam around the 3rd floor, and end up eating at the canteen. And then leaving, because staying longer would spark a feeling of being lost. Emo, really. But yesterday was not a usual visit. It was like seeing an amazing film in a long time after a series of visits in the cinema house (just because it comforts you) hoping a good film is what will be shown. I got to catch up with my Math Buddies Mark (with his girlfriend Jeanine) and Vonn. It feels great to be in MB with these old friends, and to recount stories of the past, and to realize how funny they sound when told now. Time flies so fast. The 'reunion' was for a short time, but I'm glad I had that time.
This day marks the end of my short vacation, of me doing what I wanted to do: read books, play the guitar, visit UP, hang out with friends, write, watch movies, and sleep. Because tomorrow I will start doing the things that will make me who I want to be. I realize that the reason I am at peace is because I have hopes. I have hopes that I have entrusted with God. Hopes that the future has in store for me a lot of new people, new places, new experiences and new memories I would want to stay friends with, I would consider another home, I would learn a lot from, I would pray to relive, I would be glad I had the time for, and, most of all, I would want to have infinities of the ephemeral time for.
Cheers to the future!
GAP
