Prayer to Live

Moments like these.. I wish I could just disappear. I wish I could just turn back the hands of time. I know I should be thankful for the mere fact that I am alive. But it's just that, moments like these make me realize how difficult it is.. to live.

What if I was born a different person? with a different nationality? from a different background? with a different language? with different dreams? Would I be happier?

I recently met a man who came face to face with death. He could have died with the gun shots, but no bullet came out. He was saved by God. I know I, too, am loved and blessed by God. I may have not yet come face to face with death, but I understand that God saves and will save me. Perhaps, it is this faith in the Lord that gives me the persistence to fight for my dream, despite the pitfall that everyone sees of its becoming a reality. But we are human beings. We think. We protect. We fear.

It is hard but I pray to God for guidance and for the strength to live each new day He continues to give me. And I pray He will not give up until I finally learn and am able to live the life He so wonderfully granted me, not just for myself.

I love you Lord. Amen.

Opening a Clenched Fist

It took me a long time to open a clenched fist. But when I finally did, I felt the warmth of the air passing through the spaces between my fingers. All of a sudden, I was able to touch what I see, and feel what I touch. I knew I should have opened it sooner but, by now, I am just really grateful I did.

GAP

Ephemeral Time

It's been months since I last had an entry here. After a number of failed attempts to complete a writing, I will try once more to release some trapped prisoners inside of my barred mind. If my drafts folder would be any indication, I have planned five launches which I eventually aborted. Or simply neglected. Or forgot about. Or avoided. And so they remained as titles, and vague pictures of catharsis that never were. I have dared to write about the new year (An Untitled Post) last January; about my first time in Boracay with my college friends  ("The Bora Project") last March; about how I desired to have an entry ("Memory Full") last April; about how I terribly miss UP because I feel alone ("My Failing Solace") in April; and about my learning from the recent changes ("Temporary Home"). It's not that I haven't been writing for the past 7 months. I have actually. It's just that..whenever I start writing, somewhere along the foggy intersecting roads of the clauses, vocabularies and thoughts, I've usually found myself questioning where I am standing, why I am standing there, and where I desire to go. Uncertain and flummoxed, I just walk back. Or fly away, going back.

But about a week ago, words flowed out freely and smoothly from me as if my heart was a jar tilting itself to pour out the water that transforms into a sea of writings. I do not know if anybody will/can read this, but I remember clearly my right hand flying freely as it wrote some portions of my memory, as if it has a mind of its own. And that unencumbered feeling is something I would want to feel again.


June 12, 2013

Happy Independence day! Today is a national holiday as it marks the 115th year since the proclamation of the Philippines' independence from the Spanish colonizers. Ironically, this day also marks the 'last day' of my short-lived hiatus from the normal world - the 'as-it-should-be' reality. In other words, today is the official last day of my one month unadulterated freedom. I feel sad, but not totally sad. I feel excited, but not completely excited either. I feel happy, but I am not just happy. I am a mixture of emotions, but I am at peace, and I guess there's nothing else I would rather be.

The past months have been a whirlwind. Such a cliché, but I recognize its figurative honesty. There've been family earthquakes caused by the sudden eruption of dormant volcanoes. Though I'd like to believe there were no lava, or perhaps they formed on spots where there wouldn't be casualties. But I know for sure there are cracks deep down the mantle layer of our home, unseen on the surface. Would they heal? I'm absolutely certain they will. However, on the question of when - I'll let time be the narrator. Same goes with the question of when I'll come across an angel who would join me in my earth. We've parted ways early this year. On the same day I had one of the most unforgettable UP Fairs I've been to. Yes, with her. Similarly, I'll leave it to the hands of time to write down when I'll experience the same fun, freedom and friendship I have experienced in Boracay last March, when I'll find myself writing again for a Film Class - even just for a week, and when I'll cross paths with the people I met in the short time I was with Philips. I had my last day last May, and that actually signaled the start of the short but memorable one month of freedom I would eternally be grateful for.

Looking back, I feel so blessed because I know I've been granted a gift I've been wishing for for so long -- Time. To have time is to have air to breath: it keeps me alive, and it reminds me that I am alive. Having enough of it is healthy. Needless to say, the lack of it is fatal. I had time to think about myself, for myself, about nouns (people, animals, things, places and events), and for nouns. I had time to be.

I had time for my home. And I had time to go back to my other home - UP. One of the best things this short period of liberty gave me was the opportunity to go back to UP: to be physically there and be wrapped again in the solace that UP is (and will be) for me; to experience the simplicity and tranquility this home provides; most importantly, to make memories with it with the people I consider friends. Oftentimes, I have gone jogging with my best friend Tanjo (and sometimes with Paula, the new sales(wo)man) around the acad oval and talk about sales work and life in general, while UP quietly absorbs all our rants and apprehensions, and leaves afloat our hopes. One of the highlights would be our tambay time at the Vinzons kiosks, pre-jogging, where we eat pancit canton, and recall how we used to not afford some meal combos. Talk about changes.

Whenever I go back to UP, I always visit the place that served as my home for two years, when I was starting to explore the world of being an isko - Math Building. Partly because of that walk from AS-FC to CS to the teletubby land, which I have always enjoyed. It's like watching the trailers before the movie begins - you can't wait for the movie to play yet you still want to see more trailers. Until I arrive at MB. Usually, I would just pass by the newly-renovated CR (at least for me) near the entrance, and roam around the 3rd floor, and end up eating at the canteen. And then leaving, because staying longer would spark a feeling of being lost. Emo, really. But yesterday was not a usual visit. It was like seeing an amazing film in a long time after a series of visits in the cinema house (just because it comforts you) hoping a good film is what will be shown. I got to catch up with my Math Buddies Mark (with his girlfriend Jeanine) and Vonn. It feels great to be in MB with these old friends, and to recount stories of the past, and to realize how funny they sound when told now. Time flies so fast. The 'reunion' was for a short time, but I'm glad I had that time.

This day marks the end of my short vacation, of me doing what I wanted to do: read books, play the guitar, visit UP, hang out with friends, write, watch movies, and sleep. Because tomorrow I will start doing the things that will make me who I want to be. I realize that the reason I am at peace is because I have hopes. I have hopes that I have entrusted with God. Hopes that the future has in store for me a lot of new people, new places, new experiences and new memories I would want to stay friends with, I would consider another home, I would learn a lot from, I would pray to relive, I would be glad I had the time for, and, most of all, I would want to have infinities of the ephemeral time for.

Cheers to the future!

GAP

Delta Altitude Effect

November 18, 2012

Vehicles are now piling up in this part of SCTEX in Tarlac. No, I’m not driving – inside the bus, yes, on my way back to Manila with my friends. Technology really has a way of enabling us to do what used to be unimaginable not so long ago. As of writing, the orange sky is still silently crawling its way to vanishing, and in just a little while the sky will be a dark cloth that will blanket the entire visible universe. The kid passengers started singing and chanting lively as if the uncontained spirit of excitement to be home had exploded from their core, started spreading through their veins, and needed to escape. While the more aged ones, to whom the work and stress of the long-travel undertaking must have really took a toll on, are quiet and resting, at least physically, I believe.

To my right is an orange-painted sky with dark blue clouds; to my left is still a light blue sky and dirty white cottony clouds, struggling to fight the daunting darkness, or may be just awaiting the latter’s arrival, just like how every day is. But the past two days have not like been how an “every day” has been for me. I and my friends went to Baguio – the second time I have been to the cold city up north.  Since 11pm of Friday night, we’ve been through a lot of adventures: fun, exciting, unexpected, exhilarating, frustrating, frightening, disappointing, surprising, calm, amazing, candid, tranquil, genuine, unbelievable and certainly, unforgettable.  

I really believe that an hour of honesty makes a better friendship than a decade of hi’s and hello’s. Though I’ve known them for quite a long time, I never thought I would learn from these people much more than I had until these barely two days of freedom. These wonderful guys –Tanjo, Jed, Benson, Jesse, Jessa, Betsy, Bambie and Ces – they made me realize and learn things only I could have through an experience with them. Some things I appreciated the value of more than before. And I am happy I went on this trip with them. I am sure they are too.

I guess today would not end like how a typical day would. But here’s to hoping I’ll get to write one day, that this kind of day is how my “every day” already is.

It’s already dark, and I know I am closer to home. We are.

Gerald

The Perks of Being a Lighthouse

My Dearest Shoe Box,

It's been a while since I last sat down on a corner and face the screen with eyes frozen on your site in that universe you are in. Please do not presume I am lying. I know there have been a thousand times I sat down on a corner, and there have been a number of times I checked this blog. But there was never a recent chance for me to do both, either intentionally or accidentally. Or perhaps, I never had the power, since the last post, to make myself write. At least here. For that, I am sorry.

Well, almost 8 months have passed since my last post (which was actually a vague expression of the state I was in then), and there have been a couple of new things and happenings. I'll share a few:

1. I was assigned in North Mindanao from January to July of this year. It was really a marvelous experience. Made me appreciate the beauty of this country more - through the places, the food and especially the people. Most importantly, I get to add another view about life.

You can only appreciate how vast the world is, once you start believing it's not as big as you think it is.

2. I had a "break." 

3. Made my own music! through some strumming and some friends' talents.

I was driving so fast I did not realize that the scenic view I was passing by was passing me by. So I stopped, savored it, and promised that my destination would be as breathtaking.

4. There's a new member of the family.

5. Sadly, some friends departed..

Things will inevitably change. That's what good memories are for.

6. I met an angel! :) She has these white, beautiful and regal wings. You wouldn't believe it.

I asked an angel if she can live with me in hell. She said 'Yes.' And for a moment, I knew what heaven feels like.

7. And I am off to a new start! Wish me luck!

Life is a short game. But while it's on, it gives us all the chances to win, to lose, and most importantly, to start again.

Just keeping you posted. I thank the Lord for yet another day I was given to breathe, to witness the miracles of life, to stand the coldness of the night, and to appreciate the ones that make the world a great place to live in.

Love always,

GAP

Ironic

And after all you did to protect the thing that matters most to you, it is taken away.


While those things you are willing to let go of, they keep holding on to you.


Isn't it ironic?

Tonight, I'll see you in my dreams

It's new year, and I've composed a new song entitled Tonight, I'll see you in my dreams. This song goes out to all those who look forward to sleeping and dreaming, for it is only in their dreams that they are able to be with the people they cannot be with in reality. ;)

I've also written the lyrics below. Hope you like the song. :)

Tonight I’ll see you in my dreams 

Tonight, I’ll see you in my dreams

Running freely in the fields

like children chasing fireflies

and no chasing hours

Trailing on the grassland

In a maze of swaying swords

And watch them as they fondle

those porcelain legs of yours

Oohh...

Where you and I smile

and it was just a smile

without a single doubt or lie

but we would never know why

the truth’s no you, no fields, no hymns

but still, I’ll see you in my dreams

Tonight I’ll see you in my dreams

where we lay carefree at the cliff

while I speak to you a phrase,

and the white clouds form your face

Where the wind sings us a lullaby

to help me get to where you are

I’d touch your face and bravely try

to say goodbye--

Goodbye----

and it was just goodbye

without a single cry of fear

though I would want you to be here

the truth’s no you, no fields, no hymns

but still, I’ll see you in my dreams

Yes, tonight, I’ll see you in my dreams

For when I feel the morning’s breeze

I consent my hands and heart to freeze,

But I can’t save the pillow from the tears

See you tonight, I’ll see you in my dreams

For when I feel the morning’s breeze

I consent my hands and heart to freeze,

But I can’t save the pillow from the tears

See you in my dreams

-end-